Being a junior, being in the ECE program, struggling to cram everything into the next two semesters in order to be “on track”, I have felt so much pressure building up on me regarding the future. Everything I do at this point has future implications, and it can be really suffocating. What do I want to be doing (and will I even have a choice)? I’m terrified of ending up doing something I only kind of enjoy. I’m terrified of settling. I’m terrified of decisions by default.
But because of this fear, I have found myself doing a whole lot of panicking, freaking out, having a 1/5 of a life crisis every other day, etc. I’ve also found myself trying to extract every piece of circumstantial security from God. But that’s where it contradicts itself: my security is in God, and not in circumstances.
Let me explain this a little better. The other day, my baby sister, Gianna, turned seven years old. As a result, my family found ourselves taking a long weekend away. The day of her birthday, the five of us were walking around Breckenridge enjoying the warmth of the sun shining and the insanely gorgeous backdrop of the snowy mountains. At this specific moment, we were all emerging from a toy store in which said little sis had just gotten to pick out a final gift as well as a bag filled with her choice of assorted candy pieces.
She says to me, “Can we play Battleship when we get back?” I say, “Sure, we can play Battleship sometime today,” which is all good and fine, I mean it is her birthday. But then she says, “When we get home?” I say, “We’ll see,” and reassure her, “Maybe not first thing, but we will play.” Then the attitude starts to kick in and she says, “Just tell me!” Trying to remain patient, I say, “I already said ‘yes.’” And then the little Chinese Firecracker explodes and goes into whiny mode, “Why?!? Why can’t we play when we get back? I want to play Battleship!” At this point, I just get really irritated (because this was not an isolated incident and always tends to happen in the middle of good things) and say, “Gigi! Stop it! I already said we would play. We will sometime tonight. Let that be enough! There’s not always a ‘next thing!’”Well, amen! I didn’t know that’s how God would speak this weekend, but his sheep know his voice and that was it.
Here’s the thing. I had never said explicitly that we would not play Battleship right when we got back. Maybe I would have. But I did promise that it would happen. The more she pressed it with a bad attitude, the less I wanted to do it at all.
I see the same thing in myself. 1) I tend to interpret the “not yet” as “no.” 2) I want so badly to feel secure that things will happen just the way I want them to that I end up trying to force God into agreeing to prearranged details and my own conditions. And I definitely don’t need to coerce goodness out of God. I do myself more harm than good in any of that. The most important thing is that he did already make a promise to me. I have a hope and a future. I can count on that. Is that enough?
God is faithful – He’ll follow through without me constantly pestering him for details. But on my end, he simply wants an attitude of thankfulness. I have a million good things occurring at any given moment, but I seem to use the whiny voice when I become afraid, and when I begin to question God’s promise. That is when I ask him what’s next, what the future holds. (Plus, when I dwell in worry, I’m only ever half-present with people.) As I make a list of things I am thankful for each day, I see I’m not actually in want. Not in the slightest. There doesn’t always have to be a “next thing.”
Let me rest in my security. I serve the Most High God. He wouldn’t ask me to serve him in a way void of passion. He is my passion.
The LORD will work out his plans for my life – for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me. –PSALM 138:8
Who can command things to happen without the LORD’s permission? -LAMENTATIONS 3:37
We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. –1 JOHN 4:16
Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in richest of fare. –ISAIAH 55:2
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. –1 THESSALONIANS 5:16-18
It is enough.
