It’s an interesting thing, returning. Being back in the exact same place doing the exact same things, yet somehow everything is different. The change is all the more obvious as everything but time remains constant.
I found myself unreasonably nervous in the days that preceded summer. Not in the “oh-my-gosh-I’m-a-girl-and-I-have-butterflies-in-my-stomach!” sort of way; more simply a reoccurring uneasiness. It wasn’t that I doubted myself. I know I am more than capable- that wasn’t it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be around the kids – I did more than anything! And it wasn’t that I didn’t have a sense of purpose. The Holy Spirit confirmed it with an undeniable, irrefutable clarity way back in January. For so many, many good reasons!
What really did it was the idea of having to repeat something. I didn’t want this to be a “here-we-go-again…” sort of thing. My own selfishness tried to convince me that it wouldn’t be as exciting the second time around, and the fear of prior expectations and the comparisons I might make to the past crept over me. All so very selfish. For me, it’s easy to develop a sense of entitlement to great adventures in the three college summers – darting off to foreign countries or doing something super glamorous. (I’ll be the first to admit I’m a little jealous of the certain friends who God is leading across the globe this summer.) Of course, you can do God’s work anywhere, and I know that, but new and exciting is always something to chase. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting adventure, I know that too, but the problem was the thought and fear of “mundane” found me. It seemed to haunt me from the second I said yes to God months ago.
I’m really wrestling here.
It’s something I’ve had to fight going into these past weeks, and in doing so, God has slowly and faithfully extinguished it all with his truths. He’s shown me even more of what it is to serve wholeheartedly, as though I am serving God and not people. He’s shown me discipline and sacrifice in all areas of my life so that these kids can be my first priority. Humility in work that is not flashy (especially when getting peed on twice in the same morning), but Kingdom work all the same. Endurance. And mostly, he has already taught me the tremendous worth of faithfulness. That, in this, I am able to show the kids how valuable they are to me that I would make a point to return and invest even further into their lives – nurturing them while they are awake and praying over them as I tuck them in at nap time. Those are things I wouldn’t trade for an exciting vacation. My days are rich, each one at a time. I am finding more joy in being physically spent, coming home from the long hours covered in dirt and sidewalk chalk and other unidentified things, than I know I would by simply investing my time in getting a tan. For though I am selfish, I am not discontent. He’s shown me his character once again. Praise God for that!
It all may settle into routine, but it won’t become mundane. He’s promised that to me, and mundane is one thing that is NOT in God’s character, ever. I am NOT wasting my time- this is a big investment in my life too. Regardless of anything, I need to remember that.
“The LORD says, ‘I will guide you along the best pathway for you life. I will advise and watch over you.’” -PSALM 32:8
